Gym Law Infringement

Today I want to talk about unspoken societal rules (well, actually, that’s not entirely true. I really just want to talk about one in particular).

There is an unwritten gym law that one doesn't have to be a gym rat to understand (or else I'd be wholly unaware of this law, myself). It is a law one doesn't realize exists until he sees it infringed upon, but once he sees the rule violated, it occurs to him that only incredibly self-unaware individuals would not understand the law intrinsically. This law is just a small tenet inside a larger unspoken code that governs all gyms and workout facilities. And, I bring this law up now, because I saw it broken last night in the most egregious manner possible…

LAW: As a dude, you can't wear weight lifting gloves unless there is physical evidence of your actually belonging in the gym, or in other words: there must be some overt indication of your prowess as a weightlifter (i.e. enviable muscles).

Now, this is a counter-intuitive law, seeing as it would make sense to believe that beginners and lesser able lifters are more in need of protecting their delicate hands; however this is not, in fact, correct. You have to earn your ability to wear weightlifting gloves. Gloves aren't just donned by any person arbitrarily deciding he wants to get in shape. Gloves are a rite of passage (a rite I will never receive). Gloves are the Purple Heart of weight lifting: they signify a level of strength that is only attained through years and years of dedication (and, well, let’s face it… bland lives and copious amounts of steroids). And counter-intuitive though it is, this “no gloves” rule is a law that governs every existing gym and is a law that, to my understanding, all people already comprehended viscerally.

Alas, I was wrong.

Defying all laws of gym etiquette, I saw a guy in the gym last night wearing (I am not making this up): a tightly pressed wife beater (starched and certainly just ripped out of the Fruit-of-the-Loom 3-pack from Target), brand new hundred-dollar-plus Nike kicks (that hadn't the least sign of scuff marks or smudging), hair gel (!), and, you guessed it… weightlifting gloves. The guy was about as physically intimidating as Screech Powers and he was curling what looked to be either a set of headphones or a fully molded banana. The offender in question made the dude in the above image (who looks eerily like Anthony Michael Hall on heroin) look like the Governor of California (circa "Twins" fame).

Therefore, let me spell out the first unwritten rule of gym code so that no one reading this blog will ever accidentally make the same mistake this dude did last night. I cite this law to the offender, personally:

Man law: no weightlifting gloves unless you can back up their suggestion, homey! I mean, honestly; you do understand the concept that girls who haven't been spending any time in the gym shouldn't show up to their first day on the treadmill wearing only a sports bra, right?

Same principle applies, stud... besides, who needs gloves just to touch a banana? Just rinse that thing in the sink and get on with it, Screech...